Sittin' Crooked, Talkin' Straight

Just a Conversation Between Two Friends

Last week, in a matter of moments my regular Wednesday went from peaceful to stressful. For some reason I continue to check emails throughout the day versus just unplugging like a sane person. In said email it’s bad news. Very Bad News Bears (a saying from my childhood when something went terribly wrong). Ok so in a former life I was in a position in which I had to deliver bad news to employees. The rule when delivering bad news is “the sandwich “, basically sandwiching very bad news between good or decent news. Back to this email, it essentially blasted a bunch of shallow yet good news followed by impending doom topped with another level of “we can do this”.

I dont know about you but I am a spiral-er ( I dont even think thats a word) but basically I have a tendency of working things up in my mind in a manner that drives my anxiety into hyper-drive.  Although this email didnt say anything specific to me per say, I still took its words and created all kinds of drama right in my own head.   I cant be alone in this.  Or at least I hope Im not alone in the fact that I blow these things up in my mind. 

As people, why do we do this? The ole over react/under react song and dance that lead to other self inflicted issues.   Never before my adult life had I suffered from the level of anxiety as I do now.  Mind you its ALL self inflicted in my case.  If there is something to worry about, I find a way to worry about it; if there is nothing to worry about, dont you know I will find SOMETHING to still worry about.

I started to come up with different ways to deal with my stress and anxiety to help me help myself prevent being overwhelmed.  A major turning point for me (minus last Wednesday), is I typically dont check emails after 5pm.  If its after 5pm, in my book thats basically the next day so Ill get to it then.  Another item that brings me anxiety sometimes can be social media. Social media is amazing with the fast information and constant connecting with people but sometimes me scrolling all day can allow energies and information that I cant “unsee” or not react to such as various devastation in the world. With that one I get a little help from this app called Moment, it really helps me be mindful of the amount of time I am spending mindlessly scrolling. But the biggest help with my anxiety has been yoga and meditation—-*if you did a big eye roll here I get it lol*  I use to eye roll at it too until it actually started helping me get out of my own head.  

I challenge all of my WorryWarts, Spiral-ers and Bad News Bears subscribers to find something this week that helps you get out of your own head and unwind.  Something that sparks Joy and brings you satisfaction if possible.  If its a social media break, yoga class, working in your garden or whatever it’s time to stop waiting for that other shoe to drop and just push forward.  One thing is for sure, if you live long enough things will happen good, bad and indifferent whether you worry about them or not so you might as well get some satisfaction out of it while you do this thing so-called life.

 

Its funny how my family was formed, how our paths crossed and we all came to be. After the last few years I have just 1 lonely takeaway…….. this isssh is hard y’all!!! Being blended is HARD, every aspect of it is trying and down right difficult. AND is one of the most hardest things Ive ever done and Ive gone through labor. Having a child from a previous relationship is the most obvious along with the fact that we are an interracial couple, yes those things place strain. But its the other stuff that no one tells you about. Like how you both view money, the fact that your sweet baby girl will become this ticking time bomb of emotions, or the fact the differences and preference of a person could grow and change over the years.

Preferences is such an odd thing isnt it? When I was a kid I absolutely hated tomatoes and mushrooms, today I eat them weekly in some form or fashion. A person never really notices a preference change until after it happens and then most of the time if they really think about it, the preference was more than likely a push from their up bringing. When I was a kid there were plenty of things we didnt eat, try or go to based off my parents preferences. For instance I had never had Sushi until I went to college because Sushi wasnt my moms thing. I mean dont get me wrong we went places where there were Sushi but based on her upbringing she thought that all Sushi was raw fish. She never questioned it, never ventured out to try it and just passed the same preference to us. I, a rebellious child decided from the start to question and try everything LOL.

Living in Charlotte so far from my family has given me many opportunities to update my own preferences on so many things. Drama Tween is a constant changing of preferences from one minute to the next, the Minions (pets) are in their own world with their own quirkiness in the race to be Alpha lol and Husbae is trying his best meanwhile I balance it all.

That being said Blending is HARD but 2019 is the year of me. The year that I be a little selfish in putting my needs ahead at least 3% of the time. It is perfectly fine if we order Postmates 2xs a week, or that it takes me 2 weeks to actually put my clean clothes away. You know why? Well its because instead of folding and putting my things away I went to yoga to center myself. Yep I sure did, and you know what? It probably saved that lady’s life at Starbucks when she messed up my order after I repeated it 3xs. Yep because I was so Zen from yoga, I was unbothered. Instead of making it to the grocery store I took the pets for a run, which helped them be chill for the afternoon and I didnt have to threaten to get rid of them to again.

At the end of the day we all go through constant changes, that can affect our mood, preferences or even interrupt the entire day and thats ok. This is our life to live and story to tell.

The Birth of Sittin’ Crooked, Talkin’ Straight

The idea to start a blog was actually born 5 years ago and like most great ideas, I had every intention on following through with it but life. Life got in the way and I just kept saying,  I’ll do it next week or I’ll start at the top of the month or whatever excuse I could come up with. Those little push backs added up, weeks turned into months, years and here we are 5 years later and I have finally taken the step.  Now mind you, this blog has nothing to do with becoming Insta famous or recognized in any manner like that, this blog now is really me doing something that I *knew* I should have been doing 5 years ago but couldnt follow what my intuition was telling me.  Have you ever experienced that? Knowing that you should be doing something different with your life, career or family but being too worried about the “how’s”? I am terrible at that. If you ask my husband Im sure he will tell you its a control issue, but I get so boggled down on all the steps between point A and point Z that I lose focus on the actual journey to get there.  Everything doesnt always have to be worked out to the “T”, its nice when it is, but lets be honest even in those moments there is always a wrench thrown in the plan that causes you to have to pivot somehow.

That wrench, in Oct 2018 was my very last straw that made me question everything about who I was and who I was showing My Girl (DramaTween) to be. In Oct 2018 after suffering a major pay cut of $5 an hr at my virtual workplace we were informed in a meeting that even more changes could be on the way that would be devastating–I know what your thinking what the hell could be more devastating than losing $5 an hour lol. Im not gonna go into the details about that part, because that part isnt the beauty of this story.  The beauty of this story is that conversation with the team made me for the 1st time in my 34 years question what the hell was I even doing. Now mind you, on the very best days I love my virtual job (dont love the pay as much now) but out of the grand scheme of things I could be doing for money (Ill let you draw your own visuals) this job is nothing to sneeze at by far. I have had the pleasure of working with this company for 6 years, during a time that I was a single parent. This job has provided me with so many opportunities to be present in My Girl’s life as well as work around her schedule and for that I am FOREVER grateful and will never say a bad word (even though they took $5 an hour lol, yes Im butt hurt STILL).

At any rate the conversation in Oct made me question who the heck was I?  My Girl (DramaTween) has wanted to pursue showbusiness her entire life. Seriously, this girl has the guts and balls to dance, sing, act in front of anyone who will listen or watch.  She has been in the spotlight since she was 5 years old with dancing and so forth. I watch her sometimes in disbelief at how aggressively she pursues what makes her happy. I wouldnt be honest if I didnt say at that I was a little jealous that she had a clear idea of who she is and what she wanted and went after it.  I mean we stay up late going over lines, she goes to school 2 hours before the bell for rehearsals and stays sometimes 2 hours after for more rehearsals. Like where did this kid and her drive/determination come from? Meanwhile her mom, working for a company that can make changes at any whim and though she likes her job it isnt that same kind of deep down love passion My Girl has for all things broadway.  I had to be honest with myself. I had been lying to My Girl for far too long. Telling her to follow her dreams, to not take no for an answer and to work hard. All awhile Im over here pushing my dreams off to the next day or week ect. I made a decision, I needed to have that same determination, I needed to not just tell her to follow her dreams but I also needed to do the same and show her.

The day that I came to this realization is the day that something else was birthed inside of me. A tiny annoying seed that I already knew what I loved and what I enjoyed doing, the jig was up I really couldnt bs my way out of this any longer.  Sittin’ Crooked, Talkin’ Straight is exactly what you imagine. When you are really deep in a conversation, no longer bs’in around you tend to lean in into the person you are talking to. Maybe your leg is crossed, but when you mean business you are all up in there eye contact and body language fully engaged with the person you are talking straight with. That’s what you will find here my friend, me leaning into you and being completely honest with the good, bad and ugly.

A day off during the week, no negotiations

Currently I work in a virtual office where I have the pleasure of creating my own work schedule how I deem fit from week to week. Which has been one of the best things for my family, especially when I was a single parent. Up and until that dreaded Oct 2018 meeting this meant I really could have my most ideal schedule that really worked around my family allowing for some amazing Work, Life, Balance.  Now with the changes I still have the pleasure of creating my own schedule from week to week, the twist now is the number of hours available are extremely decreased for my team. Which makes it very difficult to schedule what I would love to have. Now mind you its still far better than going into a brick and motar and having to be there at a specific time and you dont have a say so in when you work.

So fast forward after a few weeks of pulling split shifts between morning and afternoons and some weekends I had had enough!  My household suffered in a way that sometimes I wouldnt be able to have dinner with my family, go to the store or help with the homework because I was working. Also my workouts had started to suffer because I was just drowning trying to keep everything afloat. Something needed to change, I was literally overwhelmed.  I made a decision.

I decided that I needed a day off lol; for so long I would always make sure I had Saturdays off so that would be the day I could spend with my family.  But the gotcha with that is I am an empath, on top of being a Libra with a dash of introvert, who can mimic an extrovert. If you didnt follow all of that, basically I need alone time from time to time to recharge. If I dont get that time and space just to be alone to do whatever, those crazy hectic days become that much longer and I dont do myself or my family any justice. Each and everyone in my household deserves the best version of me and I know how to balance to provide that best version.

Now I know all of that sounded very inspirational and hallmark channel lol but truth be told I didnt come to this conclusion on my own.  I actually found out on a fluke of a chance happening. In another week of scheduling chaos, I found myself off on a random Wednesday. My Girl was at school, husbae was at work and I found myself at home completely alone with the trio (pets) and NOT  working! I took that day to do things I hadnt had a chance to do, like take a nap lol, I went to Pilates, got some Starbucks and read a little in a book that was gifted to me for Christmas. I made it to carpool so early I was able to sit in the car and have a late lunch while finishing my book. By the time My Girl was in the car and husbae was home I was really charged in a way to be my best self.

Now each Wednesday looks different for me on the things I will get done or not on my day off. Some days I meet with friends and have Brunch, or I might catch a movie Ive been wanting to see,I write for my blog or I put on sweats and binge watch something on Netflix.  All I know is making sure I have a day off to recharge myself has really improved my overall mental and physical health. And the bonus of it all is it also breaks up my work week schedule, so nothing but #Winning all around.

Why Pilates?

Since I can remember, Ive always had a plan for my life and what is should look like.  These last 4 years has basically laughed in my face and said f*ck your plans lol. After many setbacks, some self afflicted and most just how the cookie crumbles I am starting on a new journey yet again, but this time with clear direction of who I am verses who I have been told to be my entire life. I have always had a love for fitness in one capacity or another, playing softball for more than half my life from childhood, running on the cross country team in college, and your typical gym rat all and in between.

The summer of 2018 I took a Pilates class and instantly fell in complete love! I love every single aspect whether its Mat, Reformer or Tower, each and every part woke my senses and made me have that deep love of my body again. After months of going and leaving it all on the Mat, I had this sinking feeling this is what I was suppose to do with my life. So I did what any sensible person would do in 2018, I got on the google to research how I could transform my love into a career.  Now mind you by this time in my life I have had ALL kinds of jobs so Ive done the leg work on making a whole lot of money while hating what I do, making a little money and not really hating what I do but not really loving it either. I figured that if I could make even what I make now (yes even with that $5 pay cut) and actually love love deep down in my soul what I do I would be happy.

So the major things I found most surprising about Pilates is its a pretty badass program to go through.  Especially if you go about it the correct way, now Im sure you could go to a chain studio like Pure Barre or somewhere like that and get a certificate after a weekend to teach there BUT to go through the classical training and get PMA certified (this is like top shelf), you really gotta work your butt off.  Im gonna lean in and be honest with you, Ive been to alot of studios and you can clearly tell the difference in instructors that have gone through the rigorous trainings and those that may have gotten a certificate over a weekend bootcamp not to mention the instructors who actually love what they do vs the ones who are just there (and girl I get it, Ive had a ton of jobs that I was just there).

I thought because I lived in a very major city, I mean who has never heard of Charlotte NC? That it would be easy to locate a place to be trained appropriately in my pursuit of all things Pilates. Well, it isnt as easy as it would be if I lived in lets say NYC as far as the traditional classical training goes. In my research I did find that there are a ton of individual studios that offer those weekend certifications which is ok if you are into that sort of thing.  The pro’s to taking that route is if that particular studio is looking to hire you are 1 step ahead of the curve by training with them. The major con to that route is, it doesnt really translate if they are not hiring and you want to work at another studio because 9 times out of 10 they wont take that certification and will require you to go through theirs. So there are a ton of variables and routes a person could take and it really is based on the end goal and what you want out of your training.  

After a ton of research I finally decided on Power Pilates program because of their bases of more Classical training as well as power training. I am very proud to announce that I will be starting my very 1st step and taking certification for Mat I this month. Wish me luck!!